If you're anything like me and do not want to read anyone's hot take on therapy, why you should seek it, and what will therapy do to you, then this is for you. It is easier to find a Tinder date to hookup than attempting to find someone to rescue you from a breakdown about your beloved, your job, family, or just a virus outside your door or all of the above.

On principle, I don't consume any content on pop-psychology online relating to mental health betterment, nourishment, nurturing, or improvement. Neither should you, in all honestly. Don't believe in everything written online, especially if it's curated on Canva and then on an influencer's image caption or their feed itself. A lot of it is simply peddled to boost views and numbers for accounts and their popularity, and a lot of it is wholly empty, repetitive fluff. That crap is the 2020 Instagram influencer equivalent of #GoodVibesOnly.

That, there, was the first thing I learned when I went down this road earlier this year. It wasn't just total reluctance and financial constraints that were preventing me from seeking mental health help, but I was also convinced this is a racket, a pyramid scheme, a cult that thrives online and preys on those who are effectively in a bad place in their personal life. Over and above that, how do you justify or be okay with seeking any help, especially if you have been raised with the idea that you don't need anyone's help or support of any kind to do anything? How do you trust someone with your deepest, darkest issues?

What truly helped is speaking to a friend, who is a trained counsellor. Over the course of a five-hour-long conversation, a few days after a big breakdown in my personal life, I learned the process to seek a therapist and managing expectations. I have attempted to summarize that conversation for one and all here.

Why should you read or pay any attention to this?

For one, this does not stem from a Canva collateral on a celebrity therapist's social media page. Remind me to tell you about the time, I reached out to a celebrity therapist and they shared a "monthly package deal" with me.

This is all basis first-hand experience and my key-takeaways from therapy, the process in finding a therapist, and making sure you are not just paying someone money and doing therapy, but essentially, making something out of it.

This is a guide for anyone who is aware that they need a therapist and wants to make a conscious effort but does not know-how. What this is not is a whole piece dedicated to, "please seek a therapist, you need it." I'm going to try and address something that isn't talked about often, and honestly, we could do with some noise around *this* subject here.

Think of this more like a response, an understanding as to how therapy works, what is acceptable and what isn't, when you're trying to zero in on a therapist and find a roadmap that works for you. All of these points will be helpful, regardless of where you come from and where you go from here. This is especially dedicated to a close friend, who fell off the grid for months and decided to resurface much later, in deep distress, which she'd rather not share even now. We all have those friends and those people in our lives. They could do with a virtual hug and then some advice.

1) Understand that therapy is not a magic wand.

Therapy does not work like antibiotics and neither is it an instant fix as over the top drugs. It takes some time to establish a relationship, a rapport with your therapist, and then take it from there. Usually, sessions are anywhere between 30-90 minutes, depending on your counsellor; and honestly, you cannot possibly expect your therapist to give you magical results in 2-3 sessions alone. You are looking at regular meetings, at both your convenience and being sincere with the idea of it.

This contradicts the practice, because a lot of us are in therapy, due to our inertia; our inability to do things. I was spending close to 20 hours a day cooped in my room with my thoughts alone, despite an active support system from my family, friends, and other loved ones. It took me close to 2 months to get to a point to start therapy, from the first day when I made a resolution that I need help. That's how painful, brutal the process is. You have to give it time and be patient and diligent. Another 2 months into it now, I feel like we have made some breakthrough towards one aspect of my life that had been troubling me for long.

You have to invest time, a lot of time. Things will not change overnight. Just hang around there, and contribute your absolute best towards making it successful for you. Also, remember that growth is never linear. You are going to have sessions where you will feel empowered and then those, where you will feel like nothing really happened. Hang in there.

2) Find a therapist that is compatible with you.

Your relationship with your therapist determines your course of progress. Which is to say, if you're an 18 yo who wants to become a full-time professional Twitch streamer and play Fall Guys like Lando Norris; but instead your family wants you to pursue carpet engineering and won't support you in any way towards your ambition; you won't exactly get the help you're soliciting in this regard from a 55 yo therapist who has specialization in working with couples seeking a divorce. For all you know, you'll spend 4 sessions explaining Twitch, Fall Guys, Lando Norris, and your gaming rig respectively and the subsequent session will go into your therapist pushing you towards carpet engineering after all.
Research your therapist before you speak to them. Look them up, look their specialization, see their testimonials. I cannot overstate how critical it is to find someone who is a professional and has degrees to account for their claim. In India alone, there are a lot of hack jobs claiming to help or offer initial assistance as a stepping stone, and they can severely damage you more than no help in this regard. There are people who have done short-term courses and claim to be experts in guiding you. Infact, there is a whole "accessible and affordable" mental health resource list that is popular and floating around, compiled by a Twitter activist, and let me tell you, it is bollocks. Please do not trust everything blindly, do some background check before going into anything.

You can also talk to your therapist initially and figure out if they're somewhat compatible with your style of understanding. I spoke to 6 different people when I was in my funk aka down the dumps, and I realized I wouldn't have been comfortable talking to any one of them in the long run. Have an initial chat on the phone and if you are unsure, request for a short, trial session. This is completely acceptable.

This process took me a long time (over a month), and I am a trained fucking researcher. Be patient and stick to this routine until you find your fit. It is better to invest time initially than wasting 10-15 months with someone and realize you have made no progress or that you're hiding things from your therapist because they are judgemental.

Everything they show in films and television about hooking up with your therapist or learning that you love them, please, dismantle those ideas. Only in porn can you justify hooking up with your urologist or a male nurse or whatever else your shagging roleplay jam is. This shit doesn't and (ideally) shouldn't happen in your life, especially when you're seeking assistance for your mental health.

Unless this is roleplay.

That's possibly the only time it is acceptable for you to hook up with your therapist.

3) Be assertive and say no/yes when you feel the need.

Any good therapist will give you this in the initial orientation of the process but here's the deal. We don't always get good therapists and it is crucial to know that you can and are absolutely allowed to put your foot down on things you don't agree with. They are trained practitioners and this is allegedly a safe space, for you to be you, not the one where you can be pushed or bullied or even be chided upon. If you don't agree with something, do speak up and make your point. In all likelihood, your therapist will understand and be appreciative of the feedback. There is a high possibility your therapist may also get pissed. That's when you know the relationship isn't quite working well and you need to shift.

Therapists transfer case files in the event of issues like these or other issues where the boundaries are crossed between the therapist/client relationship among other reasons. At all times, be aware that this is work in progress and not forever. One day you may not need it or for all you know, this may not be the right route. Your therapist may refer you to another therapist or a Psychiatrist if need be. This cannot happen without your consent, be mindful of things like these. Do not take things for granted.

4) You don't always need to have a mental illness or recurring issues to seek help.

I'm not going to write an essay on how we're all busy and there's no breathing room but the fact of the matter is the way it paces, there is no breathing room in our respective lives. My 23 yo sibling and my dad lead starkly different days. They both have their respective issues, but neither is willing to speak to anyone (God alone knows why). As individuals, a lot of us are trained or conditioned to not ask for help or tell our distress to anyone. The issues are often masqueraded as "life" and while, yes, it is life happening, it doesn't have to be fucking painful.

Do remember, *this* interaction is a transaction. You are compensating someone for their time and effort and it is their day job. Most of us in our lives need therapy; we may not have an instant or an immediate need for it, but we do. It doesn't harm to try if you are considering speaking to someone about little episodes around your life that trigger/baffle you. It is completely possible that these will become larger than life and occupy a central role later. I wish I had paid heed to mine a while back instead of brushing it under the carpet.

5) Therapy is and is not accessible at the same time.

Therapy isn't a Schrodinger's cat. Or is it?

Run a cursory search on your browser for "therapists near you" and see what I mean. You have resources in the form of self-help guidelines, Instagram, Twitter, free to access suicide helplines, and other options and tools at your disposal in little to no-time. The ads and the trackers will tell you, help is a click of a button away (true story, since I wrote copy for an upcoming luxury therapy service; a high-end therapy service online that caters to the high and the mighty, when I myself was crumbling under pressure every minute of the day.)

However, not everything is useful and not everything is affordable or available. Case in point, luxury therapy.

Lololololololol.

One of the biggest drawbacks in seeking therapy is the constraints that prevent the person in need from seeking it. You could be seeking a queer-friendly therapist, and your therapist could very well be a closeted homophobe, or you may not be comfortable talking in English and your therapist does not understand your regional language.

There are many slips, between the cup and the lips. Addressing that by yourself will be a ride in itself.

In an initial conversation with a therapist, I expressed how I was not coping well because of my financial constraints after losing my job, and that I was relying on my family and savings for the first time in over half a decade. That had been one of the biggest reasons for my mental health crisis, among others. The therapist insisted that I rely on my family or consider doing so, in order to pay her fee, when I expressed I won't be able to proceed with her since her fee was an obnoxious amount per session. This was counter-productive and triggered a lot of difficult moments in isolation, which is what I was trying to seek respite from. This conversation happened six times over, with six different therapists, not the same dialogue but such tiny episodes of them being an incorrect fit or not being able to understand my wavelength and vice versa. I learned how critical it was to actually dig deep and not scratch the surface when the resources are freely available. It is also possible that the person you've reached out to is a colossal asshole, don't discount that possibility.

A point that is hardly discussed as much as it should be while discussing accessibility is the ease of availability. Therapy is fricking expensive when it shouldn't be. In order to put an end to your mental draining, therapy will drain you financially. You're looking at the cost of each session or a monthly lump sum for atleast 3-6 months minimum and this, when, you stick to a therapist, and it works. If it doesn't, it is starting from scratch and investing more time and money into it again. While I can't state enough that therapy shouldn't financially drain you, it is the case with the mental health services in the country.

There are those who offer concessions or free slots or sliding scales; however, these are few and difficult to find, especially keeping in mind their credibility, their background, educational qualifications, and that we are living through a massive economic crisis with job losses and there's still a global pandemic out on the loose for us all.

You have to really go down a road like most men attempt to do to find clit. It's somewhat a step like that. There's a lot of hit and trial, triumphs, and losses to get to the point of actually getting some help. However, it is there and you will get to it, I promise that. If I can find a therapist who ticked all my criteria and is able to help me out, I'm sure, so can you.

I cannot state enough that not all things which are around you and available, will always help you, but therapy is truly a hit and trial method. I hope for your sake, you find your person, your therapist, and seek the help you need. It can transform your life, whilst not being a Ponzi scheme.

Perhaps we all can't be a full-time Twitch streamer who gets to play Fall Guys and race in F1 as a part-time driver for McLaren (oh Lando!) but we can all aspire to get the help we need and deserve.

Image courtesy pngkey.